Becoming light

I was 18 when I heard the Lord’s voice for the first time. I was studying at the time. It was a lot of work, and I was bored with it. I wanted to get away from my studies by any means possible. I decided to escape by opening the Bible. I fell on the passage from Ezekiel, “I passed close by, and I saw you: you had reached the age of love (…) I bound myself to you by oath, I entered into covenant with you—thus says the Lord—and you were mine.” (Ez 16:8)

These words shook me to my core, I saw in them the light and love of God for me. They reverberated ceaselessly in my heart…they troubled me, and I didn’t understand why.

The years passed, but it was impossible to escape the voice within me, those words which continued to echo inside. Still, I said to the Lord, “I don’t want to become a Sister.” When I heard God’s word proclaimed at Church, it seemed to go straight to my heart. I had the impression it was being addressed to me personally; it was very strong, and I wouldn’t be able to bury that voice.

One day I took up my courage and went for an eight-day directed retreat, in order to discern: “Is what I’m feeling really a call to religious life?” Afterwards, I had the courage to make a first try in a missionary congregation, to better make sense of what was happening in my life. I clearly felt that my place was not in that community: I was looking for something more simple, a life like that of Mary at Nazareth, in a house open and welcoming, close to the neighbors. In that community I understood that I wanted to live like Mary, the woman filled with simple goodness. It was she who would show me the way. And since no form of religious life offered that, I decided to get married, in order to live that ordinary presence with my people in a very simple way. I got engaged to a young man who had the same desire as me; but within myself I felt a great emptiness. I wasn’t happy, and I didn’t understand what was going on inside.

I made another retreat, in order to place all this before the Lord. And there I had a very powerful experience, thanks to Solomon, and to the Eucharist. I let this word of God guide me: “Ask what I must give you” (2 Chronicles 1:7), and Solomon’s answer which, in my language, says, “Lord, give me a heart that understands” (verse 10).

The priest who was guiding me proposed that I go and see the Little Sisters of Jesus. There, for the first time, I encountered Charles de Foucauld, and I heard speak of the life of Jesus at Nazareth.

This “life of Nazareth” was like the light which was already guiding me, without my even being aware of it: being close to people, and welcoming, living daily life while making space for prayer.

I am now in Le Tubet, in France, with our elderly Sisters. They are at once diminished by sickness and old age, and young in heart and spirit. During my time here seven Little Sisters have died whom I had come to know well. This experience has made me desire all the more to see God.

I see how much they loved Him, how drawn they were by a thirst for something ever greater. As she approached death one of them called it “the mountain peak,” and that touched me deeply. One day I was speaking with L.Sr. Marie-Bernadette about my longing for heaven, and she said to me, “Death is placing ourselves before God, who is all light, and when we enter into that light, we too will become light.”

L.Sr. Teresa-Malak